One night, after a regular weekend date, I was sitting inside my boyfriend’s car. We had a small talks about our happy-but-tough childhood days, while he drove me home.

He was grown up in a modest family, he was once feel ashamed cause of being driven to school by his father’s old motorcycle, while some of his friends’ were driven with the luxury car. That time, it was all his parents had. Back to the old days, his parents were starting everything from zero. They had nothing in the early years of their marriage. Then, everything’s different now. His younger siblings may not feel the same struggle as him, raised in a very modest family like that, because now they can enjoy many privileges from their parents’ success. He also did.

I’m the only child, and people always think that being the only child is fun. As the only child you can get everything you want, you’re spoiled by your parents, and you’ll never be compared to your sibling. 

Being the only child is completely sucks. Little did people know that being the only child means huge limitation in life. Of course I didn’t get everything I want. Being the only child is sucks. You can’t go anywhere you want with whoever you liked. You’ll always be watched whatever you do. Your parents will sometimes be overprotective on you, and they can be really strict and discipline on you. You can’t go out of the town with your school friends to celebrate school’s farewell. You can’t say you don’t want to take a course or private lessons. You can’t take public transportation to go home from school.

The point is, you’re not able to do anything as you want. That time it was because you’re still too young. But when you grown up, and you think you’ve mature enough to make (even a small) decision in your life, you still can’t do anything but under you parents’ control.

I always hate being under my parents' control, until today. I knew those rules were made to protect me. My parents’ are divorced. My father never take his responsibility on me. My mom’s a single mother who fight day and night. She didn’t even wonder how to raise a kid alone in that condition. So that my mom and the whole family will do anything to protect me.

***

So when I finally finished my undergraduate study, I packed my clothes and I said to my mom that I want to find a job in the capital. Seemed like my mom finally realized that I already become an adult and I can take the responsibility of my own life.

I told everyone that there will be much opportunities there than in this town. But if I’m being honest, I just wanted to go from that town, far away from my parents so they can’t control me anymore. I was so naive, I wasn’t think about my mom. Without me, she will be all alone. Of course there are still my grandparents there, but after my stepfather died, she have nobody to talk to but me. Her only best friend is me. And now I leave her.

***

When I thought I’ll be totally free when I’m away from my parents, I was wrong. I knew my mom trust me, but whenever she reminded me to take care of myself, to keep her trust, to keep the honor as a woman (she did it everytime), again I felt like I was still under her control, and I’ll be mad at her. Whereas she’s just doing her role as a parent. We had quarrel, I made her sad, like I always do.

Moreover, my mom & the family are still put a big expectation on me. My family wants me to take the postgraduate study. First, I felt like “No way! I’m tired of studying”, “It’s my family’s choice, not mine”, and “I’m all grown up, you’re no longer can control of things that I want to do in my life”.

Others were telling me that I’d better get a job first, cause you can study anytime. Even when you’re old. That because I’m a woman, education become less important. I did agree. Another naiveness of mine.

My mom was half forcing me. She didn’t limit me to work, but when I got a job in a media, she seemed like not happy. I finally step back from the position I got to follow my mom’s wish. Taking the master’s. Other people regretted this decision, I was judged.

***

Taking master' was still "my family' decision" ‘till in the end of the year, I took a job in a startup company, and met a friend. She’s the person that I just met, but she opened my eyes.

She’s the one that told me that my decision to quited from my jobs is not wrong. That following my mom’s wish is not wrong at all. She’s the one that told me:

"Maybe it’s God’s way to made you uncomfortable in doing your jobs, Sar. He tried to tell you that He already planned something better for you, and that’s taking the master."

She opened my eyes by told me:

"You such a lucky girl, Sar. You have a warm family that always support you to take the higher education, because they think you deserve the best in everything. And maybe with taking this way, you'll be able to pay back the kindness from your family."

Another job offerings were came in the middle of my decision to quit from my current job. That’s a huge temptation for me to impress other people, who are not supporting me from the start, to proof them that I’m also worth, and I can work if I want to.

“But why wasting your time thinking of opinions from people who’s not support you?” That was what my new friend and my mom said to me.

That’s all words I needed to convince me. Then I remember all efforts and sacrifices that my mom and my family has done to make me happy since I was kid. They actually still made that efforts and sacrifices even when I grown up into an adult. That’s in form of making sure that I take the best way in living my adulthood. By supporting my higher education. By empowering my passion. By trying to endure my rebelness.

Because what? Because they love me, for sure. Because I’m the only child, the only one that would make my family proud. So why should I keep being stubborn in accepting what’s good for me?

That’s how I accept every decision in life gracefully.

Sincerely,

Sarah